I was wandering through the city the other day and I passed one of those people sitting cross legged in the street with a cup sitting in front of them and a cardboard sign. Nothing out of the ordinary in our rampant capitalist society. There will always be people who fall between the cracks and put out a hand for help, for various reasons.

However, it was what was written on this guy’s sign that drew my attention. It said:

‘I’m saving to go travelling around Europe.’

I stopped dead in my tracks and thought, what? You’re saving to go travelling… you’re not poor, you’re not homeless, you haven’t been kicked out of your accommodation, you haven’t been abused, you’re not busking, not offering anything in return… you’re basically just a middle class bloke in his mid-twenties who wants other people to pay for you to piss off on a jaunt around the globe.

THIS ISN’T IN THE TRUE SPIRIT OF BEGGING!

WTF is going on? When did good old traditional begging become usurped by the 21^st century consumer culture? You want us to fund your overseas holiday? Fuck off you cheeky shit! What happened to your traditional downtrodden homeless bloke, wearing the same suit he was turfed out of his rental accommodation in, stained with sweat, smelling like a refuse site, and soaked in his own piss and shit, with a mouthful or rotting teeth and hair plastered to his skull with oil and vermin? Good honest down to earth deserving beggars. Are even their diminished roles no longer safe in this world?

You see this sort of thing on Facebook too in the GoFundMe and KickStarter campaigns that have sprung up everywhere. A lot of them are just upper middle class tossers with steady incomes trying to con money out of people. It probably bloody works too. I bet stupid twats actually give these people money.

I’ve given this some thought, because I’ve always found it unfair that I should have to pay my own way in life and particularly my own mortgage, when gormless twats on the Internet could be paying it for me.

So why not? Why not me? I think I deserve a free ride too.

So here’s the deal, people. Stop usurping the role of honest decent down and out beggars, or I will start begging for cash that I don’t deserve.

Don’t push me, I will fucking do it. I will sit out there in the city mall with a cardboard sign, saying, ‘Please pay my mortgage for me. You know you want to.’

I will set up a Go Fund Me campaign. Come on, you selfish bastards. Pay my mortgage. It’ll be good for your heart. You’ll feel good about it. I’ll feel fucking great about it. It’s a win/win situation, for me especially.

If that one works, I’ve got a bunch more in reserve that the unwitting and cashed up can also pay for:

I want to go to Mars Kickstarter

I want to fly to Hollywood and shag Scarlett Johansen GoFundMe

Send me to Vegas to gamble a shitload of money GoFundMe

I want to go to Wrestlemania (again) Kickstarter

I want to speculate on a bunch of blue chip shares with your money GoFundMe

Seriously, some of the things strangers on the Internet expect you to pay for. The following are all genuine Internet fund campaigns – please help me remove an unwanted tattoo/get a tattoo – help me stay at home for a year to raise my kids – buy me a plane ticket to save my relationship – help me buy protection after I launched a racist rally – pay for my abortion – pay for my drug habit – pay State taxes in Alabama (even though you don’t live there) – fund me to make up for not winning the lottery (I actually like this one, its got balls) – By me a car so I can bring you this cock, ladies (I kid you not this is real) – send me to Vegas cos I just spent my money on a house (Hey, that one is mine, bitch!)

You get it. In the case of all these people, and especially the well fed chump in my local mall who wants us to pay for his overseas holiday, it’s less of the GoFundMe and more of the

GoFuckYourself!

 

But seriously, if you really would like to contribute to paying my mortgage, please do get in touch.