Blog 8 – The reality television efficiency drive

Those of us lucky enough to be in gainful employment are subject to regular government driven efficiency drives or rationalisations, downsizing, call it what you will. Basically they try and sack a few of us so politicians can continue to take helicopter rides to Party fundraisers on the public purse. These policies are usually implemented by conservative governments who would much rather cut funding from the working and middle classes than pursue the small but significant number of Australian millionaires who, with the aid of highly paid and skilled accountants, are paying no tax whatsoever – http://www.aph.gov.au/About_Parliament/Parliamentary_Departments/Parliamentary_Library/FlagPost/2015/April/Millionaires-who-dont-pay-tax

Well I say enough is enough. I’m taking a stand and drawing a line in the sand. I’ve had a gutful. So, on behalf of all my fellow schleppers, I took a good look around every workplace I could think of, looking for areas of shocking waste and inefficiency where we could cut back and save money with little impact on our quality of life. With this in mind I am proud to bring you my proposed:

Reality Television Efficiency Drive

Sorry, can we do that again, with the voiceover and dramatic music?

BIGGEST MELTDOWN SHOCK ELIMINATION EVEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRR!!!!!!

Ta, that’s better.

Yes, after a good hard look at the adverts for several reality television shows (I couldn’t bring myself to actually watch any of them), well alright, for research purposes I took a quick five minute look here and there, with the sound turned down as low as possible, and I think I have pinpointed some areas of massive wastes of money which could be better spent elsewhere.

Spelling Bee

Just what we need, a show where pushy, overbearing parents bully their children into becoming personal cash cows. Not only do we have to suffer the obnoxious parents, we also get insights into the innermost thoughts of the children. As far as I’m concerned, ten year olds are far from being fully formed human beings, and thus I’m not really interested in what they are thinking. In fact I know what they’re thinking, they’re thinking ‘I wish I was outside playing with my friends, not stuck here in a tv studio so mum and dad can pay off the mortgage.’ Anyway, to the excesses. Okay, so there’s the bloke who asks the questions, he’s vital. Then there’s Grant Denyer doing… the introductions, bit of hosting, blabbing on. Not much of a job really is it? I’m gonna need you to fill out this JDF Grant, just to make sure we’re getting value for money here. Then there’s Chrissy Swan. Let’s be honest, she’s an empty vessel and rather a waste of space at the best of times, but what is she doing here? Standing awkwardly to one side, mouthing a few platitudes, stating the bleeding obvious, pulling faces. Really, that’s it. GONE. Bye bye Chrissy, get a real job. There, that’s gotta be half a mil saved right there. NEXT.

Restaurant Revolution/The Hotplate/Masterchef/My Kitchen Rules (and probably several others I’ve forgotten)

All the same show really isn’t it? Same copycat format every time. God forbid they should think outside the square and try something edgy. Nah, commercial telly execs are too smart for that. Once they hit a ratings winner, they flog it to death. Speaking of – Restaurant Revolution bumped for a show about a bunch of amusing cat videos pinched off utube? Laugh? I nearly shat. Love the fact these commercial telly clowns are trying to sue each other. If they’re gonna start getting litigious over copycat clichéd reality show formats, these idiots will be tied up in court for years. So to the excesses. It’s basically three fat fuckers stuffing themselves with food the contestants make and talking about it for 45 minutes. Does there have to be three of them? Let’s bump it back to two fat fuckers for starters. What else, okay here’s a novel concept. Once you’re voted off the show – YOU STAY OFF THE FUCKING SHOW! Forever, that’s it, you’re done, nada, no more, fifteen minutes of fame used up. You don’t come back as a surprise judge… oh my God! Oi didn’t see that coming (that’s because you’re a moron). You don’t get to segue over to another lame reality show on the same network. Newsflash for ya chuckles – YOU ARE NOT A REAL CELEBRITY. No more network cash for you, piss off. ‘I’m a dentist, but it’s always been my dream to be a chef.’ So fucking what? I don’t barge into your surgery with a camera crew and announce it’s always been my dream to start pulling teeth, do I? Just fuck off and do your own job, you arseclown. You wanna be a chef, go do the proper years of culinary training and stop yapping about it.

The Block/House Rules/Reno Rumble (and any of that fans v Faves shit)

Is that all? I’m sure there are another 27 renovation shows I must have forgotten. When are the commercial networks gonna produce a renovation show about cooking? Now ya talkin’. Okay, efficiencies, well pretty much the exact same format as the cooking shows when you break it down. Given that none of them are actually licenced builders that means all of the work is illegal. It’s obviously being built by genuine tradespeople off camera. So on those grounds, get rid of all the contestants. We’re already paying the tradies an arm and the leg, why should we pay a bunch of talentless bogans as well. Bugger off, the lot of you. While we’re talking, what’s with all the running around, panicking and having meltdowns? Yes I understand that reality TV is scripted and based entirely on motion and emotion (BIGGEST MELTDOWN/SHOCK/EVICTION EVEEEEEEEEERRRRRRR), but fair dinkum, if I was having a house built and I saw the builder running around like a headless chook, carrying stuff, crying and screaming, I’d be a tad concerned about the quality of the work he was producing.

Idol/Got Talent/The Voice/X Factor/Popstars and all the others I’ve forgotten

Please, enough of the bloody karaoke shows already. How deluded am I? I thought musicians were created by hard work, honing their skills in garages and pubs for years, but it turns out they’re manufactured in five minutes on reality tv shows. How hard is it to sing someone else’s song? There are 8 billion people on the planet, and I reckon at least 1 billion of them can carry a tune. They can’t all be fucking rock stars. What next, you’ll have people just lip synching and calling that a talent… What? You’re fucking kidding? Apparently they already did it. It’s bad enough we have to put up with the winners of these awful shows putting out several albums of dross before their careers are mercifully reduced to appearing at shopping centre openings, singing the national anthem at sporting events, or touring the lucrative musical theatre network circuit – but it’s a poorly hidden secret that the other 10 losers who weren’t good enough to win a karaoke contest also get a fucking recording contract. We all know they’re really there to prolong the dying careers of the bevy of judges, and there’s far too many of them going around as well. Just stop it already. Sack the lot of them.

The Kardashians

Ugh! I loathe this klan of klueless kashed up kunts. Can somebody tell these useless social parasites that shopping is not a career? It’s no use though, you kill one of them off (Paris Hilton) and there’s an army of new ones just waiting to take their place. The Kardashian virus is particularly virulent, as soon as you think we’ve seen them all, another one pops its venal, self-serving, vacuous, greedy, unearned sense of entitlement shaped head up. And their stupid names all start with a K, even when they shouldn’t. What’s with that shit? Maybe get these girls on Spelling Bee. ‘Now Khloe, your word is Chloe. Spell Chloe …’ ….. ‘K…’ WRONG!! How do the parents keep producing Kardashians if Bruce is now a woman? Where do you start an efficiency drive with this lot? Models? No you’re not. Fashion designers? No you’re not. Actors? No you’re not. Shoppers? I’ve already told you that’s not a real job. Really, what do they produce that is of any worth? Personally, I’m sick of hearing about the ubiquitous Kardashian sisters – Kim (shouldn’t it be Cim if we’re following the misspelt names pattern?), Khloe, Kourtney, Kendall, Khandice (is she a real one, or did I make her up? Who cares, let’s start paying her anyway). I think it’s time we heard the untold story of the lost Kardashian brothers – Kolin, Kraig and Khris. When do the boys get to tell their story? What Kompelling viewing that’s gonna be. This week on the Kardashian Brothers, you won’t believe what happens when Kraig drive his ute to the servo for a packet of smokes (dramatic music) BIGGEST MELTDOWN EVEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

Okay, I’m bored with this shit now. What’s on SBS?